


Smells Like Updog

by BaegentWashington (onesaltydemon)



Series: Count Jackula [3]
Category: Check Please! (Webcomic)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Supernatural Elements, Alternate Universe - Vampire, F/M, M/M, Secret Relationship, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-19
Updated: 2016-11-19
Packaged: 2018-08-31 21:26:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,764
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8594392
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/onesaltydemon/pseuds/BaegentWashington
Summary: Bitty can't help but notice something strange with his d-men, especially after he asks Jack to turn him. Part 3 of the Count Jackula series. I'd recommend that you read the other two first, but I guess that it's probably not entirely necessary if you really don't want to.





	

**Author's Note:**

  * For [dellanfere](https://archiveofourown.org/users/dellanfere/gifts).



> yo, miles is back at it again with another fresh fic. 
> 
>  
> 
> [the tumb](http://milesandcompany.tumblr.com/)
> 
> //unbeta'd bc i'm a lazy piece of shit who doesn't give a fuck about his art (kidding, it's actually just 6 am and i lowkey wanna die)
> 
> // now with 50% more editing. i'll finish once i've slept more than four hours in the past few days  
> // finally gave a final glance over with full editing. let me know if you catch any more mistakes! thanks for reading, my dudes.

Bitty is absolutely thrilled when he first moves into the Haus. He has Jack – who no longer seems hell-bent on hating him – across from him, Shitty down the hall, and Ransom and Holster upstairs. He has people to talk to at all hours, people to bake for and cook for and generally dote over. He is absolutely certain that things could not be better.

That’s not to say that things weren’t a little weird from time to time.

It starts a couple days after he moves in. Eric is lying on his bed, feet propped up on the wall while he scrolls through Twitter. He’s not sure he hears it at first, but when he sits upright, he’s positive that there’s a squeaky toy being played with somewhere in the Haus. His feet are immediately carrying him out of his room, ears straining to track down the source of the noise. The squeaks seem to be coming from the attic. _Strange_ , Bitty thinks, _but definitely not the strangest thing that’s happened ‘round here._

He climbs the stairs and knocks on the door. The squeaking stops and is replaced by the sound of hushed whispers and shuffling feet. He hears a dresser slam closed and the creak of the closet door. Finally, Holster peeks his head out.

“Yo, itty Bitty. ‘Sup, bro?”

Bitty tilts his head to the side and chuckles lamely. “This might sound a lil crazy but… I think I heard a squeaky toy coming from your room?”

Holster lets out a choked noise and Ransom rushes to his side, pushing the door open wider.

“That’s impossible, Bits,” Justin softly reasons. “You’d know if we had a dog up here. It’s not like we could keep it a secret for very long.”

Adam nods solemnly before offering his largest smile. “But if we ever get one, you’ll be the first to know! I bet your baking skills could carry over to make some swawesome dog treats!”

Bitty just stares at them blankly until Rans coughs. That seems to shake him out of his trance. “Oh! Right! Sorry, boys! I must’ve just been hearing things! Silly me!” With that, Bitty takes off down the stairs, goes back to his room, and flops down onto the mattress. And whether or not he blasts music through his headphones for the rest of the night to avoid the strange howling noises coming from outside was none of anybody’s business.

_X_

Bitty has always assumed that he was the only guy on the team who was into any sport other than hockey. But as soon as orientation had settled down, Chowder, Dex, and Nursey could be found on the front lawn of the Haus playing catch at almost all hours. Sure, they took breaks to study – and by _study_ , Bitty means that Chris and Will sit on the couch working on a coding assignment while Derek drapes himself across the coffee table and waxes poetic about anything and everything – but they still spend literal _hours_ throwing a ball around. Eric actually finds it rather endearing that the frogs are getting along so easily.

It becomes a staple in his day-to-day living. He’ll poke his head out of the front door and call to them when his latest pastry has cooled off or ask what they want from the Chinese takeout place down the road. But soon the game extends from the front yard. The three frogs can be seen throwing literally anything and everything back and forth.

One day when Chowder offers to play sous chef for Eric, Nursey wanders in to check on them, Dex trailing quietly behind. Bitty thinks nothing of it: wherever Chowder goes, the two d-men are bound to follow. But things quickly get derailed when Derek snatches an egg off the counter, whistles at Will, and then sends it sailing through the air. Will catches it with a scowl and sets it down, and Bitty is ready to lay into both of them about the sanctity of ingredients, not to mention his kitchen, when Dex picks up a stick of butter and lobs it across the room.

Soon, all sorts of kitchen paraphernalia is flying through the air. Bitty turns to Chowder with a look of utter distress clouding his normally sunny visage. Chowder laughs before putting two fingers in his mouth and whistling hard. The other two freshmen freeze, and when Chowder points to the chair with a firm, “Sit!” the boys immediately scramble to sit.

With an open mouth and a lost expression, Bitty makes some aborted noises, motioning towards what just happened. Chris just shrugs, picks up his knife, and asks, “So do these apples actually need to be paper-thin or was that just a figure of speech?”

_X_

Bitty knows that his entire team is close, especially the handful of boys he surrounds himself with. He also concedes that while they’re all close, no one is closer than Ransom and Holster. Still, even while he and Jack continue their strange dance around each other – _Do not fall in love with a straight boy, Bittle_ – Eric can’t help but notice how protective Ransom and Holster are of Dex and Nursey.

He first notices it at a game against Wofford. Dex takes a serious check in the second period that makes Eric weak in the knees. He’s not even the least bit surprised when he sees Nursey drop his gloves and all but hurl himself at number 36. He’s also not surprised when he sees Jack skate over and grab the back of Nurse’s sweater to pull him away from the scrum.

What he _is_ surprised to see is Ransom and Holster leap over the boards to face 36 themselves. Jack is still busy calming Nursey down while Chowder and Shitty are crouched near where Dex hit the ice. Bitty starts timidly making his way towards the two juniors, but stops short when he hears Dex’s tired voice call out from behind him.

“Rans, Holtz, drop it.” The words are almost a growl, but Bitty thinks that might be due to the fall.

Holster lets his fist drop from where it’d been raised preparing for a strike. Ransom takes a few seconds to comply, but when Holster places a single hand on Justin’s shoulder, his outright rage appears to melt into more of a simmering distaste.

Still, Bitty doesn’t miss Ransom grabbing 36’s collar and all but spitting at him. “Don’t ever fucking touch one of my own again, you hear?”

_X_

Bitty has known since day one of freshman year that Holster is not only loud but that he has quite a few Opinions™. Eric has seen Adam launch into impassioned monologues that rival Shitty’s. He knows that that’s just part of who Adam is.

One abnormally warm October day, Bitty is sitting in the kitchen, idly tapping away on his laptop while waiting for a batch of mini pies to bake. He’s been really excited to try this new recipe, so he’s practically buzzing with nervous energy to see how they turn out.

Holster comes tearing into the room, angry words pouring from his mouth and Ransom hot at his heels.

“… and the worst fucking part is, nobody even gives a shit! I mean, I get that we need queer representation in the media, really, I get it. But that doesn’t mean that bi erasure is the way to fucking go about it! Seriously! How many gay men get exploited in shows? Why can’t they just fucking keep characters bi? We honestly don’t need that many exclusively gay men if it means that bi men are getting forced out of the picture.”

Bitty whimpers a little and shrinks into his seat. He knows that Holster is well-aware of the fact that he’s gay since they’ve had numerous in-depth conversations about how much Bitty cherishes well-done queer representation.

Holster doesn’t seem to notice Bitty’s nearly silent retreat. “I mean, honestly! They’re all just done up as trite over-exaggerations of non-masculine men. Where are the buff bi dudes? I don’t need any more skinny, frumpy, feminine dudes in my TV shows.”

Ransom positions himself between where Bitty is willing a sinkhole to swallow him whole and Holster is spewing out his frustrations, with a grim, firm expression on his face. “Stop, Adam.”

Adam throws out an accusing finger at Justin and just gets louder. “No, you stop! When am I going to see accurate representation of me and you in the media, huh? I’m sick of people thinking that we’re all just dancing around in dresses and wigs and sucking each other’s dicks in the fucking alley. I want people to –”

Holster’s fiery words stop with a sudden whimper when Ransom takes a step forward and in a low, gravelly voice and slow, measured words says, “I told you to stop, Adam.” The taller man’s body stiffens before his head droops. “Now, you are going to apologize to Bitty because you just said some very offensive things, and then you are going to go straight upstairs so we can talk about this. Do you understand?”

Holster rubs his hands over his face before turning to Bitty. “Look, bro, I’m really fucking sorry about that. I didn’t mean that- er- well, you know. I don’t think that there’s anything wrong with being gay. I just wish that there was fair media coverage for _all_ members of the queer community, you know? I’m sorry if my words were insensitive.” When he finishes, he glances back to Justin who nods, and then he’s headed up the stairs towards the attic.

Ransom comes over to where Bitty is sitting in his seat shaking with equal parts apprehension and confusion. “I’m sorry, Eric. That won’t happen again.”

Eric squeaks out what he hopes sounds like an acceptable response and then watches with wide eyes as Ransom disappears up the stairs as well.

_X_

It’s a Saturday night with no game or kegster scheduled, and Ransom and Holster have convinced the entire Haus (plus the frogs) to watch the Bruins v Falcs showdown. Shitty and Jack are out on a beer run while Bitty carefully prepares enough food to feed nearly thirty people. He knows that it’s a little overkill, but he’s seen these boys eat.

Eric is washing the dishes while he stares out the window over the sink. The moon looks absolutely beautiful, nearly full and sporting almost an orange hue. Eric sighs wistfully before drying off his hands and carrying the plates upon plates of wings and dips out to the living room.

Ransom and Holster smile large, toothy grins while Nursey all but trips over Dex and Chowder in order to get to the food.

“Uh-uh-uh, boys!” Bitty holds up a single finger and waves it in their direction. “You’ve gotta wait until Mr. Knight and Mr. Zimmermann return.”

Lardo lets out a deep laugh and picks up a wing before nearly inhaling it. “Fuckin’ watch me, Bits.”

Chaos ensues.

When Shitty and Jack return, arms full of several cases of booze, they’re greeted by the sight of a ghostly pale Bitty staring forlornly at numerous empty dishes.

Shitty, exasperated, drops the cases he was holding. “Brah, what the fuck happened? I thought you motherfuckers were gonna wait for us to get back before eating. Goddamn animals.”

Jack tilts his head and turns towards the baker. “I thought you said you made enough for a small army?”

Bitty’s head bobs up and down as if he doesn’t really have control over it. “I, uh, I did. I must’ve made at least two hundred wings this afternoon, plus all the sides.” As Eric listens to his own voice, it sounds distant, like he can’t believe what he's saying.

“That’s not… How is that possible?”

The three in the entry way turn towards the group crowded in the living room. Holster just winks while Dex’s face turns an unholy shade of red.

“We can order some pizzas if you’d like?” Ransom suggests. “I’m still kinda hungry and I feel bad that we didn’t save any of Bitty’s swawesome food for you two. Come on, my treat.”

 

Three hours and nine pizzas later, Bitty and Jack carefully pick up all the discarded dishes and boxes.

“At least they’re eating protein, eh?”

Bitty tries his hardest not to laugh but ultimately fails.

_X_

Thanksgiving in America is one of Bitty’s favorite holidays. What could be better than cooking and baking all day and then watching the people you love the most happily devour everything you made?

Since this was his first year technically _hosting_ the Hausgiving, Bitty wants to go all out. He decides to call up his mama and politely ask her to ship up the ridiculous collection of silverware his moomaw had been giving him piece by piece since he was born. He always thought that it was a strange tradition, but moomaw had always insisted that he would be thankful for it one day. He guesses that he should’ve learned by now to never doubt her.

The food is all done and he’s just finished setting the table when everyone comes downstairs. They’ve all dressed to the nines like he asked them to, and Bitty takes an extra moment to notice just how _good_ Jack Zimmermann’s ass looks in well-fitting jeans.

Bitty sits at the head of the table, Jack to his left and Chowder to his right. Directly across the table, Justin takes a seat and Shitty and the other d-men follow suit. Eric asks them all to go around the table and say one thing they’re grateful for so as to hopefully prevent them all from just slamming their faces into the food and risk burning themselves.

Once they’ve all had a chance to speak, Bitty raises his wine glass. “To the team.”

“To the team!” the boys reply in unison. They all take a deep drink before turning to the food in front of them. Holster is the first to get his hand wrapped around his fork but just about screams when he picks it up. He ends up kind of throwing it on the floor and glaring at it. Bitty’s standing up, a little confused by the outburst, to go grab Holster one of the extras from the case under the sink where he’d stashed them. Instead, Chowder beats him to his feet, quickly snatching all of the cutlery off the table and returning with an assortment of plastic forks and stainless steel knives.

“What are you…” Bitty starts, but Ransom quickly interrupts.

“Bits, you don’t want your valuable silver to be on this table when we’re about to desecrate it.”

The other boys seem to agree, quickly picking up the proffered plasticware and digging in to their meal.

Bitty tries to drown out the strangeness of the whole situation with the endless stream of compliments spilling forth between bites.

_X_

Shortly after Hausgiving, Bitty confronts Jack about his strange insights into just about any historical event. It ends with a lot of kissing and many more hickeys. Bitty can’t exactly say that he _expected_ his boyfriend – boyfriend! They’re boyfriends now! Bitty has to hide his face in his pillow to squeal – to be a vampire, but he also can’t say that he really minds. He’s surprised at how easily he accepted the idea that the paranormal and supernatural were real. He’s surprised at how little he really thinks about it at all.

But then Epikegster happens, and Parse yells at Jack and Jack yells back, and Bitty can’t help but feel completely _helpless_. He wants to help – needs to help – but he can’t figure out how. Jack is sullen and withdrawn, so Bitty does what he does best: he bakes.

He’s trying to figure out how to work vampire-friendly ingredients into his recipes. It’s an ongoing struggle, and he gets strange looks from the butcher when he asks for pigs’ blood and marrow, but he just flashes a smile and says that he’s trying out some new recipes for his friends. The butcher just shrugs and counts out Bitty’s change.

So now he’s currently scooping out bone marrow into a bowl, thinking of how he can balance the buttery umami with one of his tried-and-true recipes. He settles for something like a quiche since he might even be able to mix some of the blood into the raw eggs before it all bakes.

Jack comes downstairs about halfway through, carrying a black mug that Bitty has since come to associate with blood. The Canadian sets the mug down in the microwave and presses a few buttons before wrapping his arms around the blond and kissing right behind his ear.

“Don’t you go about getting’ me distracted, Mr. Zimmermann. I’m tryin’ out a new recipe for you. Can’t let the other boys know or else I’ll have to explain why they can’t have any, and I don’t think either of us is ready for that yet.”

“Mmm,” Jack sighed, burying his head against Bitty’s shoulder. “Just wanted to apologize for the last few days. I don’t want to leave for break without getting to spend time with you first.”

Bitty turned around in Jack’s arms and pressed a kiss to his nose. “It’s fine, sweetheart. Kent really came and did a number on you. What kind of person even—”

Jack cuts him off with a gentle press of lips. “Don’t. Kenny and I owe each other a lot of apologies. I just need time to work it out, okay?”

With a grunt, Bitty lets it go.

“Fine. The quiche is about to go into the oven and then we’ll have a lil time to waste before I’ve gotta take it out.”

Jack’s answering grin is just on the right side of sinister.

_X_

The weeks leading up to graduation were nearly unbearable. Bitty was having a very hard time reconciling himself with the fact that his boyfriend was about to be forty minutes away living as a big-shot NHL star. Jack was doing his best to keep Eric distracted, but more and more Bitty thought about their conversation back when they saw _Star Wars_ together.

_“Why did you hate me when we first met? I mean, since you knew my eyes or whatever?”_

_“I’ve lost you so many times before. I wasn’t sure I was ready to lose you again.”_

…

_“I’d become a vampire if you wanted. You don’t have to lose me again.”_

Bitty is shaken out of his memories as four d-men and a goalie come stomping into the haus.

“I’m just saying! If soulmates really existed, I would do absolutely everything to be with mine!” Chowder insists, “I can’t imagine how difficult it would be to go against what fate had decided!”

Nursey shakes his head. “Nah, dude. Soulmates would be utter horseshit. Who wants some invisible power dictating who they’re supposed to love or how they’re supposed to live their life?”

Holster hooks his chin over Ransom’s shoulder. “Who’s to say that they’re not real but we just don’t have enough knowledge to actually determine that?”

Ransom tilts his head to gently knock it against Holster’s. “True. And I’ve already decided to keep you idiots around, how hard would it be to add in a soulmate?”

Chowder nudges Dex. “Come on, man. You’ve totally gotta be on my side, right? Like, if you had the ability to never leave your soulmate, to never make them suffer, wouldn’t you do it?”

Bitty doesn’t hear Dex’s answer because he’s halfway up the stairs, his phone already ringing Jack’s number.

_X_

Graduation itself goes over well. Once Bitty and Jack have made their plans, things are smooth sailing. Bitty has to admit that he’s a little nervous, but he’s also ecstatic at the idea of finally making sure that Jack doesn’t have to watch his soulmate die again.

After the ceremony is over, Jack and Bitty head over to the car where Alicia and Bad Bob are waiting. Georgia is leaning against her own car, an amused smile on her face.

“Euh. Papa, Maman? Euh, George?” He looks like he’s about to vomit, pass out, or both. Bitty pats him on the shoulder and smiles encouragingly. “Do you think that Bi—euh, Eric could join us?”

His father has a wicked gleam in his eye as he grabs his wife’s hand. “ _Je pensais que tu ne demanderas jamais._ ”

 

Dinner is a little awkward, but once Jack finally chokes out the words “we’re dating,” things seem less tense. Georgia is immediately coming up with ideas on how to handle it through the proper PR channels, but Jack rubs the back of his neck and asks if maybe they could wait on that for a while.

“Eric hasn’t exactly come out to his parents yet,” he explains. “And I would like to get through as much of my first season as possible so I can prove that I can play.”

Georgia nods and continues to pick apart her lobster.

 

George and the elder Zimmermanns leave the boys at Jack’s new Providence condo later that night. Bitty is almost numb with anticipation. He carefully strips off his shirt and puts on the most comfortable pair of sweatpants he owns. Jack is meticulously laying down towels on his ridiculously large bed.

When Jack is satisfied with his handiwork, he motions for his boyfriend to join him. The pillows have all been fluffed and there’s even some candles burning on the nightstand. _This boy is gonna be the death of me_ , he thinks, and then laughs at the irony-turned-truth of the statement.

 

Turning is a bit like falling, Bitty thinks. He remembers Jack kissing him, so sweetly, so patiently. He remembers getting off with Jack, the sweet slide of their sweat-soaked skin bringing him to a satiated state. He remembers the slight sting followed by _goodgreatbetterbest_ and the feeling of his blood leaving his body. He remembers the sharp coppery taste that stuck to his tongue like maple syrup as his lips latched around Jack’s wrist. He remembers the lightness in his chest, the adrenaline that thrummed in his veins, the soft, repeated assurance of _je t'aime je t'aime je t'aime toujours_. He remembers falling, falling, falling. He remembers his heart stopping. Then he remembers nothing.

_X_

When Bitty wakes up, he’s thirsty. Honestly, he feels like he just ran three hundred suicides in the middle of the Mojave Desert. He pulls himself out of bed, bones aching. He catches a glimpse of himself in the mirror and then stops.

In all honesty, he looks essentially the same as when he left for Providence. But there’s a sudden sharpness to his features evident in the way his freckles seem to pop off of his perfectly tanned skin. His eyes are hungry, focused. They almost remind him of Jack’s but brown, and in a way that makes complete sense.

When he gets to the kitchen, he finds Jack already sipping at a mug and flipping through the newspaper. Bitty wants to chirp him for still getting a printed copy every morning, but his throat is too dry to do more than produce an uncomfortable croaking noise.

Jack looks up from the article he was reading and smiles. “Allo, mon petit.”

“Hi,” Bitty manages, before he catches a whiff of what Jack’s drinking. He throws his body towards the mug and desperately gulps it down.

It’s not enough, and Bitty is soon handing the mug back to his boyfriend with a pleading look on his face.

“Slow down, bud. You’ll upset your stomach if you drink too much too quickly.” But Jack has never claimed to be a strong man and thus quickly gives in to the blond’s pout.

When Bitty is full, he pulls Jack onto the couch with him and settles into his lap. It’s a strange sensation, the absolute stillness of the moment. The normal biological feedback is missing; there’s no thumping of hearts, no rush of air leaving lungs. It’s almost unsettling, but in a way, Bitty finds himself really enjoying it. He can focus on the smell of the man beneath him, and when he presses open-mouthed kisses to Jack’s collar bone, he can focus on the taste and feel of Jack’s skin against his lips. 

_X_

The rest of the week rapidly passes by. It’s a dizzying blur of blood and sex and unadulterated love. Shitty visits once before heading to get set up in Cambridge, but other than that, the two vampires get to remain in peaceful solitude.

Bitty hates leaving Jack, but he was only able to convince his parents to let him stay one extra week to “wrap up some things around campus.” He wasn’t exactly sure he was ready to really explain the entirety of the situation quite yet.

Summer passes quickly as well. Bitty splits his time between leading summer camp, baking with his mama and moomaw, talking hockey and football with Coach, and sneaking away to his room to Skype Jack. It’s hard and he misses his boyfriend, but he’s happy that he gets a few months to get used to his heightened senses before being thrown back into a frat house.

When Bitty left Providence, Jack had handed him a piece of paper. It turned out to be a printed copy of two delivery receipts and two quickly scribbled phone numbers. He explained that the deliveries were mini fridges that had padlocks on them – one for Georgia and one for Samwell – and the numbers were for two different underground blood suppliers.

“I know that you could probably survive off of pigs’ blood for a while,” Jack had assured Bitty, “but honestly it’s best if you stay on donated blood while you’re still getting used to all,” he motioned vaguely at Bitty, “this.”

Bitty had laughed and kissed him and clutched the paper in his hands as he hopped on the plane.

So he comes up with a half-assed excuse for the mini fridge when it arrives and shoves it into the back of his closet. He quickly texts one of the numbers Jack had given him and tells his mama that he's going to meet up with some of the other counsellors before camp starts.

Apparently the supplier knew Jack – that is, apparently Jack had already paid for an entire summer’s worth of blood for Bitty. Bitty flushes when the supplier mentions the words “sugar daddy,” but he quickly brushes it off, shoving as many bags of blood into his backpack as he can and setting a time to pick up the next round in a couple weeks.

And so summer went. Bitty is careful to stay out of the sun for too long, lathering on as much sunscreen as was physically possible. Jack had reassured him that they wouldn’t burst into flames – obviously, Jack had been at Samwell for years, and though it wasn’t necessarily sunny all the time, Jack never shied away from going outside on a beautiful day – but that didn’t mean that they weren’t overly sensitive to UV rays.

Bitty bakes, Bitty cooks, Bitty makes far more blood sausage and blood pudding than his parents could really handle. Bitty twists the truth a little and says that one of the boys in the haus loved it, so it had grown on him, too.

Jack visits for the Fourth of July. Bitty’s parents seem oblivious to their son’s romantic (and sexual!) involvement with the hockey prodigy sitting across the table.

And finally, finally, August rolls back around and it's time to return to the haus that he calls home and the boys that he calls family.

_X_

Bitty swears he cleaned before he left for Jack’s back in May. He’d made sure every nook and cranny was absolutely spotless. There had been no garbage left, no inch of any surface had escaped unscrubbed. And yet, here he is, standing just inside the front door, gagging on the unholy scent of wet dog.

Bitty is the last to move in this year, his parents having been unable to get him a ticket back at the same time everyone else was scheduled to arrive. So it isn’t just a dank, musty smell permeating the haus. People have been living here, and according to a perfunctory scan, keeping it relatively tidy.

Bitty treks upstairs, happy that he doesn’t really need to breathe unless someone else is around. He holds his breath and unlocks his door, flinging his many bags onto the floor and flopping down on the bed. His sheets smell a little stale, but it’s nothing a little air freshener can’t fix.

He quickly sets to spraying down his room, paying special attention to the comforter and the curtains. Even here, there’s a faint odor of canine. Bitty honestly has no idea where it’s coming from.

Once he’s finished freshening the fabrics, Eric sets down the can and walks down the hall to Lardo’s room. He knocks once, twice, and then hears a soft voice telling him to come in.

Lardo quickly envelops him in a bone-crushing hug. “Bitty bits! I’m so happy you’re back, bro.”

"Pleased as punch to see you too, Lards.” He pulls away and pats the side of her face. She offers a gentle smile before sitting back down on her bed, sketchbook in hand. Bitty reminds himself to breathe like a _totally 100% normal human being_ , which brings back the stench from before. He’s honestly surprised that it’s made its way to Lardo’s room, what with the incense that looks like it’s been burning for quite some time. “Hey, uh, do you smell that?” he asks.  

Lardo puts down her pencil and glances up at Bitty. “The incense? Yeah, bro, I lit it. It’s called Dragon Quest. Fuckin’ swawesome, right?”

Bitty shakes his head. “No, yeah, I mean, that smells good ‘n all, but I mean that other smell. The one that smells like wet dog?”

“Nah, can’t say that I do,” Lardo responds. “Maybe it’s just from the recycled air on the airplane? Perhaps a shower would help. You can use me and Chowder’s bathroom. I just got a killer new body wash that I think you’ll like. Help yourself whenever you get unpacked, man.”

Bitty lets his lips curl up with contentedness. He’d forgotten how much he’d missed Lardo over the summer. “Thanks, Lards. I’ll take you up on that in a little bit.”

He heads back to his room and pushes the scent to the back of his mind.

_X_

A couple nights later, Bitty is walking back from the Stop and Shop. The moon is so full tonight; it looks like it might actually fall out of the sky at any moment.

He shifts the bags against his hip and wishes for the millionth time that he’d called an Uber or something. He hates making this walk by himself, especially so late in the evening.

He’s about to give up and set down the groceries to take out his phone and request a ride when he hears Chowder’s laugh come floating around the corner.

“Hang on, you guys! Don’t pull so hard!”

Bitty has to blink a couple to times before he fully comprehends what he sees.

Chris is being dragged along by four _enormous_ dogs. They’re all different colors and sizes, but they’re all probably as big as Bitty, if not bigger. Eric has to pause for a second to get his mind around it.

He’d never seen Chowder with a dog before. Sure, Ransom and Holster might’ve hidden a dog upstairs last year, but there’s absolutely no way that Chris could be hiding _four_ , especially not when they’re so _massive_.

“Hey, Bitty!” Chowder shouts, now drawing closer. “Need help with those?” he asks, dropping the leashes he was holding. Bitty immediately stiffens, waiting for the dogs to come barreling towards him and send him to an early death – _Fuck! And I just became immortal, too!_ he thinks to himself, bracing his body for the inevitable.

But it never comes. Instead, Chowder whistles once and the dogs all stop in their tracks. “Behave, boys,” he says, before grabbing some of the heavier bags from Eric’s arms. “Come on, let’s head back to the haus. These boys were just about done with their walk.”

Bitty nods, and it takes him a moment to find his voice again. “Hey Chowder?”

Chowder looks up from where he’d been playfully chatting with the over-sized dog that looks vaguely like a golden retriever. “Yeah?”

“Why do you have four dogs?”

“Oh!” Chowder exclaims before snapping his mouth closed. He takes a second to respond. “I, uh, dog sit once a month. Just for some friends, you know, and it’s only for one night, so it’s a pretty good deal.”

“Do they, uh, do they stay in your room with you?” Bitty asks, suddenly remembering the smell that has permeated the entire haus.

“Yeah!! It’s pretty swawesome!!” He’s bouncing on his toes with his answer. Suddenly his face drops as he adds, “Is that okay? I never thought to consult the bylaws or anything. It’s only for one night a month! I promise that I’ll keep them out of your way! They’d never hurt anybody on purpose!”

And fuck, as if Bitty could ever say no to that sweet face. “It’s fine, Chris. I was just curious.”

They made it back to the haus in record time, and if Bitty baked a batch of gourmet dog treats, only Chowder and the dogs were any the wiser.

_X_

It’s November and Bitty is coming back from visiting Jack in Providence. Their schedules have both been extremely hectic and they’ve hardly gotten to see much of each other, even over Skype. The short getaway was exactly what Eric had needed to calm his nerves.

He’s only a couple blocks from the Haus when he hears a whimper from one of the yards he’s passing. He’s a little unsure of what to do, completely ready to keep walking, but whatever is making the noise seems to realize that Bitty’s there and only increases its panicked whining. Bitty sighs and readjusts the overnight bag on his shoulder while he switches on his phone’s flashlight.

There in the darkness is an oversized dog with its head stuck in between two fence posts. Bitty immediately sprints over to the dog, cautiously rubbing a calming hand down the shaking animal’s side.

“Shhh, shhh, it’s okay, sweetheart, I’ve got you.”

It takes quite a bit of effort, but Eric is able to maneuver the dog free. It responds by licking his face and barking excitedly. Bitty checks its neck but can’t find a collar much less tags. He picks up his bag from where he’d thrown it on the ground and pats his thigh.

“Come here, boy. Let’s get you back to the haus. We can ask the guys what we should do, okay?”

The dog looks up and seems to almost nod at Bitty, but Bitty has had very little past experience with dogs so he can’t really be sure.

They quickly cover the remaining distance to the haus, and when Eric unlocks the door and throws it open, the dog confidently enters like it’s been there numerous times before.

Now that they’re in the light, Bitty realizes that this dog _has_ been here numerous times before; it’s one of the dogs Chowder watches every month. He’s about to shout up to Chowder when he remembers that Chris is out with Caitlin for some fancy date. He sighs and runs a hand through the dog’s curly black fur. He pulls out his phone again and calls Holster and then Ransom, but neither of them answer their phone. A quick text to Lardo confirms that she’ll be in Cambridge for the night. Disappointed, he sends off another message, this time to Dex and Nursey, and clicks the lock button.

“Y’know, you really don’t smell that great, honey.”

The dog looks down at the floor like it’s embarrassed, but again, Bitty has no idea if that’s typical behavior for dogs. He thinks back to the numerous Dog Shaming posts he’s stumbled across on his Twitter feed and decides that it’s probably normal enough.

“Let’s get you a bath and then we’ll settle down for the night.” Bitty yawns and then laughs. “Lord, I did not expect to be this tired already. Maybe Derek and Will will text back before we hit the hay.”

The dog barks once and then pads up the stairs to Chowder and Lardo’s shared bathroom, and for once Bitty’s glad that Chowder forgot to lock his door when he left.

The concept of bathing a dog in a frat house is not a very difficult one, but actually putting that plan into action is more harrowing than Bitty would’ve expected. The dog doesn’t really fit in the tub very well, and the spigot is more of a spewing of water than a gentle flow, but in the end, he’s able to suds up the dog and get it smelling respectable.

Eric dries off the dog and then unlocks his own door. He opens the closet and pulls out his piles of extra blankets, comforters, and pillows. Carefully, he constructs what he deems to be the perfect dog bed-nest hybrid and fetches a bowl of water from the kitchen.

“We’ll wait for the boys to come home and then deal with this in the morning. Okay, sweetie?”

The dog happily wags its tail in response, and Bitty rewards it with a deft scratch behind the ear. Eric gets up and locks the door before turning off the light.

Bitty already misses Jack terribly, but the even sounds of breathing rising from the floor beside him is more comforting than he’d care to admit.

_X_

Bitty wakes up to panicked banging on his door. There’s several voices yelling something about Nursey, but Bitty isn’t nearly awake enough to figure out what they’re saying. He sits up and stretches languidly, eyes still more closed than open, and reaches down to thread his fingers through the dog’s fur. Instead, he’s met by a poofy head of hair – one that belongs to the one and only Derek Nurse… who is currently curled up in the blankets and most certainly naked. Eric jumps up with a scream, rousing Nursey from the deep sleep he’d been in.

The door suddenly swings open, showing a red-faced Holster, a wide-eyed Ransom, and Dex triumphantly brandishing a lockpick. Derek is now on his feet, blanket wrapped around him, mouth moving but no words coming out. The world seems to freeze around them.

“Explain. Now,” Bitty grates out, completely and totally unamused by the situation, especially since he hates not knowing what is going on.

“Okay, bro, it’s not what it looks like, okay, he’s just—” Holster starts.

“Bitty, hang on, look, just calm down, okay? We can explain. It’s just—” Ransom tries.

“He’s a wolf.” Dex’s statement silences everyone immediately.

“What.” It’s not a question.

“I’m assuming this dipshit probably got stuck somewhere last night,” Will levels an unimpressed glare at Derek. “That’s probably why you never showed up, right?”

“Chill, Dex. I had it under control.”

Despite the ridiculousness of the situation, Bitty snorts. “Under control? Your head was stuck in a damn fence! You would’ve been stuck there all night if I hadn’t walked by! How would you explain that to some poor housewife when you woke up naked on her lawn in the morning?”

“You fucking what?” Dex asks, taking large strides across Bitty’s room. “You’re such a fucking idiot.” And with that, he smashes his lips against Nursey’s.

Okay, Bitty has absolutely no idea what’s going on. “You’re… What?”

Will takes a step back and Holster wags a finger in Derek’s face. “Don’t you ever fucking do that again, you hear? Ransom just about tore up the whole town looking for you.”

“Yeah, bro. That was serious levels of uncool. Do you have any idea how freaked out I was?”

Nursey hangs his head. Bitty wonders how he didn’t see the similarities between the dog and the d-man before. _Maybe because it’s damn near impossible?_ he mentally retorts.

“Okay, okay, hang on. Let me get this straight. Nursey is a… wolf? Like, a proper werewolf?” The boys all nod. “And you all knew?”

Holster shrugs “Well, of course we knew. We’re his pack. It’d be kinda hard to _not_ know that kinda thing, you know?” He notices the way Bitty’s body tenses. “Wait, what did I say wrong?”

“You’re his… pack?”

“Ah, shit.” Holster nervously runs his hand through his hair before readjusting his glasses. “Surprise?” Ransom punches him in the shoulder, but only receives an embarrassed grimace in reply.

Bitty looks around the room. “So, Derek. You’re a wolf. Will’s a wolf, Adam’s a wolf, and Justin’s a wolf.” He pauses for a moment. “Wait, is Chowder a wolf, too?”

Ransom is fast to shake his head. “No, but Farmer is, and so was one of his best friends growing up back home. He’s used to us. That’s why he takes care of us every full moon. But this month, Caitlin’s best friend couldn’t watch her during her shift, so we told Chow to take care of her and that we would keep an eye on each other.” He nervously kicks at a speck of dust on the floor. “Obviously that didn’t go so well.”

“Yo, you can’t blame yourself for Nursey being a tool,” Dex interjects. “You’re a great alpha, and one clumsy dumbass wolf isn’t going to change that.”

“Oh,” Bitty whispers. “Oooh,” he cleverly adds. He looks around at the men – er, wolves? – standing in his room. “Oh, things just started makin’ a lot of sense.”

Ransom arcs a perfectly-groomed eyebrow in his direction.

“Like, why y’all eat so damn much, or the squeaky toy I _know_ I heard coming from the attic,” Ransom and Holster look rather sheepish at that, “and the whistling, the protectiveness, the constant game of catch. Hell, I guess it even explains the smell!”

Holster’s own eyebrows shot up at that. “You can… smell us?”

Bitty groaned. “ _Yes!_ It’s smelled like wet dog since I moved in! I don’t know why Lardo or Chowder can never smell it, though! I mean it’s not like I’ve got something that they don’t ha— Oh.” Silence. “Ooh.”

Nursey cocks his head to the side, and Will’s starting to ask something, but Bitty swiftly pushes them out of his room.  “Y’all hang tight, okay? I’ve gotta make a phone call. I’ll meet you downstairs in a couple minutes. Someone please start the coffee.” And with that, he shuts the door.

 

His fingers are shaking as he dials Jack’s number.

“Allo?” Jack mumbles, and Bitty looks at the clock near his bed. 5:17 AM. Shit, he hadn’t meant to wake Jack up so early on one of his few days off. Bitty doesn’t answer for a second, so Jack must check the caller ID before his voice returns with the honey-sweet sound of Eric’s name. “Eric? Bits? Is everything okay?”

Jack’s worry is what kicks Bitty’s butt into gear. “Yes! Hi, sweetheart! I’m sorry I woke you up! I know that today’s one of your only days off this month, but I was wonderin’ if you could maybe come up here? Something’s happened with the boys, and I—”

Bitty hears bed springs creaking and the sound of jeans being hastily pulled on. “Is everyone okay? What happened? I can call maman et papa if someone’s hurt. They can help with medical bills and stuff, or bail money if it’s that bad. And Shitty’s only 1L right now, but I heard him talking about some of his professors who also practice and they—”

“No! No, it’s nothin’ like that. It’s just—” Bitty lets out a strangled giggle. “So, I guess somewhere along the way, we forgot to talk about _other_ supernatural beings, huh?”

“Wait, what?” All the background noise from Jack’s side ceases. “Bitty, did something happen to the guys?”

“Nonono! I mean, well, yes, I guess a while ago, but not recently. It’s just…” He sighs. “I think we should tell them. Everything, I mean. I trust them, y’know?”

Jack’s silent for a second before he sighs as well. “Yeah. No, yeah, you’re right. I’ll be there in thirty minutes.”

“Jack, it’s at least a forty-five-minute drive!”

“I said I’ll be there in thirty. Love you.”

“Love you too, Jack.” And with that, the line went silent.

_X_

Rounding up Lardo and Shitty isn’t too hard either. Shitty drops her off around 5:30, and both of the newcomers are surprised to see four d-men and a winger sitting around the kitchen table silently staring at their coffee.

“Is this, like, a fuckin’ intervention or something?” Lardo deadpans, waltzing over to pour a mug of joe for both herself and Shitty. “Fine, you caught us. We’re banging or whatever.”

Ransom leans his head on his hand and huffs out a breath. “Bro, we already fuckin’ knew that. Sit down. Jack should be here in a couple minutes.”

“Oh shit! Jay-Z is coming? Looks like we’re about to get fuckin’ serious in here, my dudes.”

Roughly fifteen minutes of awkward silence later, the front door opens. Jack jogs in, panting. “Sorry, I came as fast as I could.” He pauses. “Oh, hey, Shits. How’s it going?”

Shitty shrugs. “Y’know, just found out that months of careful sneaking around were all for naught. By the way, Lardo and I are like together or something.”

“Yeah, I know,” Jack replies before catching himself. “I mean, ah, câlisse, I mean, congrats, bro. Proud of you.” He glances over to Lardo before adding, “Both of you.”

“So, speaking of clandestine couples,” Bitty starts, standing up to wrap one arm around Jack’s waist. “Jack and I are datin’.”

Shitty immediately reaches into the horrible sports coat he’s wearing and pulls out a small notebook. “All right, so it looks like everyone owes Lards since it’s before winter break. Oh, yikes, no. It’s the weekend, I forgot. Holtzy, you owe me too.”

Lardo glances over to Ransom, who’s still staring blankly at his coffee like he hadn’t really heard anything. “Ransom, I owe you for Anne’s so you don’t have to give me anything.”

“Wait,” Bitty interjects, holding up a hand. “Y’all knew?”

Holster shrugs. “To be honest, no. Some of us put money on ‘ _Jack’s head-over-heels for Bitty but Bitty doesn’t know how to let him down easily so he just continues to be super friendly_ ’ and some of us placed money on ‘ _Jack’s secretly a vampire and he turned Bitty into a vampire too so now they can live together forever_ ’ and some of us placed money on ‘ _Hey maybe we should just let Jack and Bitty live in peace and not stick our fucking noses in their business because it’s not like me and Nursey or you and Ransom were very public with our relationships either, yeah?_ ’” Adam rolls his eyes in Will’s direction. “So like, really it could’ve been any of those things. Yo, bros, why aren’t you breathing? Justin, why the fuck aren’t they breathing? It’s been over a minute, why aren’t they fucking breathing?”

Nursey and Jack lock eyes while Bitty is struggling to remember how to pretend to breathe. “Holy shit, dude. I was right, wasn’t I?”

For a moment, no one moves. Bitty knows he doesn’t need oxygen, but suddenly he feels like he’s suffocating.

Jack nods.

“HOLY SHIT!” Derek jumps up on his chair. “You all owe me AT LEAST a hundred dollars each. Dex, that’s two months of backrubs for me, too. Oh god, suck my fucking dick, every last one of you.”

Will starts growling at Nursey, and just as they’re about to tear each other apart, Chowder walks in and whistles as loudly as he can. The whole room turns to see Chris and Caitlin in the doorway. Caitlin is holding an entire ham and nibbling on the edge of it.

“I know I just got here, but I swear I didn’t realize we were having a meeting. Farmer and I were just… well, we were… I mean, it’s not like we were—”

“They know, Chow,” Ransom says.

“Oh.”

Will pipes in, “Jack and Bitty are dating.”

“Oh!”

Derek’s face is covered by a shit-eating grin, “And more importantly, I was right.”

“Oh?”

It’s around this point that Bitty finally finds his words. “Jack and I are, well, vampires.” He allows his fangs to slink out from behind his lips, and Jack follows suit shortly after. When he’s sure everyone’s seen them, he lets them slide back in before continuing. “Yes, we started dating when I was human. Yes, Jack turned me.” Out of the corner of his field of vision, Eric sees Shitty sit up straighter, a fire in his narrowed eyes. “Yes, I _asked him to turn me_. It was completely, um, consensual, or whatever. My body, my choice, Shitty.” Shitty bursts out laughing.

“Swawesome!” Chowder exclaims.

“Wait,” Lardo says. “That’s why I’m not allowed in your mini fridge, isn't it! I thought you were storing, like, hella sweet pies in there or something, bro. I totally thought you were holding out on me!”

Despite the almost complete absence of bodily functions, Bitty flushes deeply. “Uh, yeah. I figured that you probably didn’t want to see my selections from the Morgue-asbord, no matter how appetizing they may be.”

“Oh, god. That’s probably why you kept asking me if I could smell whatever it was that you kept wrinkling your nose at. Hang on. Did you ever figure out what the source of the stench was?”

Bitty points to the four d-men at the end of the table.

“I’m not… I don’t follow.”

Chowder blanches. “Oh, no! I didn’t realize you could smell them this whole time! I tried to keep them clean and smelling pretty! I had no idea that you’d be able to pick up on that! It’s never bothered Lardo!”

Shitty raises a hand like he's waiting to be called on by a teacher. “Dude, why the fuck are you in charge of washing the d-men? Not that I’d ever object to communal nudity, but I think that all four of them can probably take care of themselves at this point.”

Justin finally looks up from his coffee. “We’re wolves.”

“Come again?” Shitty asks.

“We howl at the moon every month and run around in a pack. Awoo, motherfuckers,” Nursey snorts at himself.

“Holy shit. Lards, are we the only humans in the godforsaken place?”

Chowder butts in, “I’m a human! I think. At least for now!” He winks at Farmer.

“Actually,” Lardo drawls. “I guess now’s as good of a time as any. And, I mean, I physically can’t lie, so, like, what’s the point?” She takes in a deep breath. “I’m fae.”

“Like one of those otherkin pronouns or whatever?” Shitty tries.

“Nah, like...” she trails off and then shakes her head and shrugs off her coat and shirt. In just her sports bra, it’s suddenly very clear what she means. Translucent, rainbow wings jut out proudly from her back. “Fuckin’ fairies or whatever. It’s not a big deal.”

“Oh my god,” Shitty breathes. “Oh my god, I’m dating a fuckin’ fairy or whatever.”

“Dude, please don’t make this weird,” Lardo tries to calmly admonish, but it’s clear that she’s desperate to keep this from spiraling out of control.

“Brah, this is the opposite of weird. Brah! This is fuckin’ fantastic! Oh my god! How did I never see these before??”

“You can’t see them unless you’re looking for them.”

“Makes sense,” Jack assents. Everyone stares at him. “What? This is seriously the strangest part of this morning? All of us _shouldn’t exist_ , no offense.”

“None taken,” Will assures.

Silence falls back over the room.

“So, like. We’re officially the coolest team in the NCAA, right?”

_X_

Things more or less return to normal after that morning. Jack and Bitty are no longer afraid of being found out, Bitty can experiment with all kinds of recipes – both for himself and Jack as well as the pack – and all the couples are a lot more openly affectionate around each other. Ransom and Holster still try to make everyone put their fines in the Sin Bin, but there’s no real motivation once it gets turned back on them.

For the first time since he arrived at Samwell, Bitty feels completely relaxed and absolutely, positively content.

**Author's Note:**

> true story: i have been given a rare silver utensil at every holiday for the last twenty-two years. i have too many of them and still have no idea what to do with them. 
> 
> Je pensais que tu ne demanderas jamais.  
> I never thought you'd ask.
> 
> Je t'aime toujours  
> I love you always.  
> yo i'm sure all y'all who are gonna read this already have but like. here are my headcanons for how the wolf!boys look:  
> [Ransom](http://www.vulpinegreatdanes.com/Riddick-1.JPG)  
> [Holster](http://www.dunebridge.com/images/plans/katie.jpg)  
> [Nursey](http://cdn2.list25.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/11/www.nextdaypets.com-Black-Russian-Terrier.jpg)  
> [Dex](http://usercontent.packdog.com/bg/9c4956961b40f90d89135fdff1501071c150051c.jpg)  
> [Bonus!Farmer](https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/9a/3f/7f/9a3f7fe24a3d839b3b89edd69f53412b.jpg)


End file.
